Home is where Diwali is...

Crackers, sweets, gifts, delicacies and meeting relatives, defined the festival of Diwali for me as a child. Buying crackers with my parents was the most exciting part about this festival of lights. The 100 year old abode would get lit up a week before the celebration day, making it a treat for the eyes.

The million dollar question every year would be, which sweets or gifts were to be exchanged with friends and family. My mother would always try to make her choice of gift stand out from the commoners like Motichoor Laddoos, Kaju Katli or Ras Malai. Each one better than the other. Mother often went to great lengths to ensure that we were not doing the cliche`d sweets. One time, we even sent out home made lime pickle. And boy! what a hit it was?! The dining table would be full of new gifts the entire Diwali week. It was purely delightful for my grandmother who takes pride in having the family sweet-tooth title.

I loved to explore my creative side during Diwali time. I painted beautiful peacock Rangolis at the entrance and special Alpanas at the doorway of every room. My sister accompanied me in some of these. The more fun part was lighting up the rangolis with candles and diyas. Every room, every corner, every spot in the house would be eager and lit up to welcome the divine Goddess Lakshmi.

There was something so mesmerizing about each ritual that was practiced during Diwali season that as a kid, I never foresaw a time,  when I would be blogging about this magnificent festival sitting thousands of miles away from home.

College sent me and sis away from home, and each year, this time would bring back all the memories and a great deal of nostalgia in our hearts. We would often celebrate the festival at a relative's and pretend like everything was fine and that it's the best we could manage in the given circumstances. What we never realized until later is that there is nothing quite like GharWaliDiwali. And that nothing really compares to the warmth and festive spirit that one feels while celebrating Diwali at home.

Today as I sit typing about my experience from across the seven seas, I know the vacuum that fills my heart. I am in a strange city with a bunch of Indians who will try to recreate the surroundings much like what is in India on Diwali and make an attempt to feel close to the loved ones and relive the moments that form a sweet part of every Indian childhood.

To all those who cringe at the thought of boring relatives and painful formalities during festivals, I would say, "You are lucky. Accept your good fortune and celebrate with the most important people in your life-your parents."

[IMAGE SOURCE: Personal Camera]

Mid night poetry

When you try to hear deep
It goes further away
Down to the seamless bed of sea

You search, meditate and introspect
It goes further away from you
You wonder if you left anything unchecked

One fine day you find yourself weep
Watching a character too familiar
Or a recollecting a childhood habit

You then realize it was your inner voice that you were looking for
It had stopped speaking to you

You blame peers pressure
You blame your surroundings

In the end you only feel guilty and weak
For all the times that you succumbed to pressure
For all the times you couldn't keep your true self alive
Was it to please the society or a part of your heart
You'll never know

Home is where the heart is :)

Living in a property that's older than a century, is a unique experience in itself. My childhood was spent in one such abode that proudly stood in the heart of the oldest city in the world, resonating with the age old family lineage.

I always took pride in being a descendant of one of the most prominent families of the Varanasi city. After 18 formative years of my life being spent here, I moved to Bangalore for higher education.

Today, after 4 years of college, job and city life exposure, when I returned to Varanasi, things had changed. Changed for good and for the better.

My father, got residential and commercial buildings constructed on the very land where i spent my childhood. We have now moved in one of the newly constructed apartments that is basically sprawling and simply gorgeous.

The drastic metamorphosis from the archaic architecture to a new and organized apartment-is perhaps my Muse for writing today.

The new house is beautifully done up by my mother's genius sense if interior designing but there is certainly a painful novelty in the atmosphere here. The breeze on 12 th floor is cool and nothing beats the view, but perhaps now I value and miss the charm of old and creaky doors, permanently dampened walls and unplanned architecture.

The whole experience was challenging for my parents and grand mother but they adapted to it happily as they craved a break from living in the shabby old home.
I adore the new settings but as I said, the novelty is so profound that it's difficult for me to accept it as my own. A few more days and perhaps I'll love being here.

Shar Diaries 5.0

Le Convocation

The day had finally dawned. Hours of travel over the Atlantic Ocean had paid off. There was excitement in the air as much as pride. I was thrilled to see my elder sis take on the world in the black gown that held all her wisdom.

The ceremony commenced with a band blowing trumpets, most of them in their second innings of life. It was mesmerizing to see the pepper-grey haired generation play the background score of the popular game series Game of Thrones and a rock number such as Shipping out to Boston. The entire hall had a beautiful ambience to it, which cheered the Class of 2014 as they entered the hall in a chirpy procession.

The key note speaker delivered an impressive speech talking volumes of the University and the opportunities it has to offer. It made me feel proq of my sister more than ever.

She walked up on the stage with her head held high and convinction. It gave me immense pleasure to pose next to the new Virginia University graduate.

Shar Diaries US 3.0

After hours of in-flight time, sumptuous meals, mildly-friendly stewards and back-to-back movies, we finally landed at Washington Dulles Airport.

We were greeted with serpentine queues at the customs clearance portal. The icing on the cake was the first face of America - the rude customs officer. She not only interrogated our intentions for visiting the first world nation but also took us for a ride with our geography.

With a sleep deprived mood, I some how managed to not lose it on my folks. Even the slight hiccup at the currency exchange counter didn't discourage me.

Mom n Dad were exceptionally quiet during the shuttle ride to the hotel. I was happy to express my first emotions and observations whilst arriving in the USA.

I had never seen so many colored people at a time. At the cost of being racist, I admit that I was happy to see the peaceful co-existence of so many nationalities. Not only the tourists, the staff all over the place portray a gorgeous melting pot scenario. I also got a peek at the Pentagon building - it definitely is the largest on the planet with regard to area covered.

To top it all, my Indian Dad bonded with the Pakistani receptionist at the hotel, who guided us regarding our tourist interests in the city.

As of now I'm happy to be here with my family, awaiting my sister's graduation ceremony.

Next Destination: Richmond, VA

Shar Diaries US 2.0

05:55 AM
The Austrian Airlines aircraft dropped my folks and me at Vienna, as promised and paid for. I woke up from a drowsy mind to a beautiful morning.
Mom said she couldn't sleep coz of sheer excitement, while I enjoyed sound sleep, thanks to the comforts of business class flying.

The airport and the weather didn't seem out of the ordinary. I was pretty much expecting the same from Vienna, that I do from airports in general.

As Dad suggested, we headed to the Austrian Airlines Lounge to kill the time in transit. The Lounge is spacious and comfortable, housing a variety of furniture, placed carefully around the buffet meal.

Mom was craving the stores around the lounge as I tried to get INR exchanged. Dad is peacefully asleep now and I'm enjoying writing.

Next stop: Washington Dulles

Adios Amigos

Shar Diaries US 1.0

Days of preparation and planning finally brought me a step closer to my dream-trip to the States. I'm full of excitement and joy as I Mount the vehicle in transit. Someone special showed up at my door last minute, delaying my packing process and leaving me panicked half an hour before my time of departure.
With a flustered mind and self-criticism for my poor time management habits, I finally made it to the cab in time, saying a last minute good bye to my sweet cousin next door.

As I was leaving, my friends were surprised as to why the excitement didn't show on my face. Why wasn't I jumping with happiness with the thought of the developed country that no one likes to return from. I asked myself the same... I realized, I have been a little closed to my emotions - a shield we all put on while living in the big city alone. But now, it's time to change! It's time for real fun and lots of frolic. Seeing new and beautiful places was never more charming than it is, after serving at a company for 9 long months at a stretch. I'm happy. Excited. And. Ready for the US of A :P
More updates coming up shortly.
Next stop: New Delhi

The Half Story

Seldom do we come across individuals in life, who do not fall under predefined section of our mind. Who are they? Why do they exist? What do they want in life?
It is human tendency to judge a person based on certain stereotypes, to reassure ourselves about life and people. But what happens when we meet a select few who do not fall under any of the stereotypes?

The Half Story this time around, is about one such individual. His intention is noble but he has no motive. Is he ambitious? No, definitely not! Does that make him a fool? Most certainly not!

After going through the video of Mr. Chandrakumar of Megma, I was moved beyond words. He is a retired educationist, residing in the scenic hills of Indo-Nepal border. He does not earn a penny in exchange for his services to the school, moreover to the nation, and yet there is nothing that can stir his conviction.

His story is inspiring indeed, not only with regard to the hard work that he puts in day in and day out, but with the fact that he practises his passion unconditionally. Isn't that what passion is all about, you might ask. Certainly it is, but looks like I cannot help but marvel at his service-before-self attitude towards the school, students and education.

The school is a purely academic place. By that, I mean, it lacks everything else that a normal school would possess. The meagre infrastructure and shabby conditions teach us that attitude  is everything.  These students could crib about this situation, instead they smile at it. They are pleased with their lives, and why shouldn't they be? After all, they have an amazing teacher - to whom they shall remain indebted for the rest of their life.

These children will remain happy whether you make a donation to their school or you don't. But
may be you should do it for the student in you who understands the importance of a blackboard, stationery and most importantly text books. Do it for all the times, that you felt over-privileged about yourself.

A Game Of Thrones night

To understand what the hoopla was all about, with regard to a certain King dying somewhere and his successor coming to power - I finally decided to experiment with the Game of Thrones series in one night. A good 2 years post it's release.
I tried to keep away from it for the same reason that I still haven't read the Harry Potter series. As soon as a popular culture artefact assumes too much popularity, I begin to despise it. This is especially true in the case of books, 'coz herd mentality affects ur judgment of the book and fails the Reader Response theory completely.
So why did I really begin the GOT?
It was certainly a conscious decision. Most of the people I know, who are my age or older/younger wouldn't shut up about it. A part of me wanted to be able to relate to the madness. But moreover, the anthropologist in me couldn't keep her curiosity under the wraps. I wanted to know what is it that the youth of today likes. What is it that catches their interest and fancy so much so that they dread GOT spoilers and can be blackmailed with the same.
Indian youth (at the cost of making a sweeping generalization) are known for being geeks who cannot think out side the box or embrace difficult genres such as magical realism. Then what was it about the show that kept them hooked?
It turns out, it is not really the generic elements that one pays heed to, when one gets to indulge in one's "id" ego.
That part of the conscience which represents the animalistic traits in us humans. To an extent, the barbaric nature of GOT plot, quenches a dormant thirst in people. The unpredictable deaths, not only symbolize the very nature of death but constantly play with the catharsis that a viewer undergoes. Which translates into the fact that even the most loved characters are only a heap of bones and flesh before a sword and an vengeful warrior.
The GOT script and plot reduces the value of life to a minimal and then asks u in the face, how far are you willing to go to win the Iron Throne?
The story is ruthless and audacious. It does not seek to glorify the historic past that we once took pride in. It doesn't leave any room for moralistic idealism. It thrives on survival-of-the-fittest theory. We have seen animals live by rule. But this is perhaps the first show that shows humans in the same light.

Well, I'm addicted for now but the critic in me doesn't let me enjoy the show in full.
Until next revelations - adios!

The Reunion

After months of separation, weeks of planning and days of excitement, we finally embarked upon the over night trip to a luxury resort in the outskirts of the city.

Gang mates were back to the adda-city. Some for internships or entrance exams, while the localites worked hard to manage holidays.

As we entered, we were welcomed by a few hiccups here and there, but once we started with the fun, we were on a roll.

Off late, I have been missing my college life and keep compareing it to the new office group that I'm a part of. The two groups have diverse tempraments. While the college group is more cooperative and mostly broke, the office group is high on ego and almost always broke.

Though you don't really get much choice, when it comes to choosing your group, being in a group, can teach you a lot about yourself and others.

After months of hanging out with the office bunch, the college gang outing came as a breath of fresh air.

I was content. I didn't want anything else in the whole world, for those two days that I could be with my friends. But something wasn't adding up. There was a sense of a void in the air. We were all the same, yet very different.

The fun wasn't the same. The affection that bound all of us, was drifting apart. We still loved one another, but some where down the line, we had lost our spark.

It was amazing to me, how a year long gap could bring about so much change in each of us. Work, studies, competition,  priorities, everything had shuffled for each one. Our experiences define our personality. Why were we not the same anymore?

I repeated that question in my head over and over again. The space was so complicated. I didn't know if I should enjoy the moment or worry about why I couldn't really enjoy the moment...

I then decided to embrace the change that had come about. Sometimes, we have to make peace with the fact that people are not always the same, they change, their circumstances and times also change. The best we can do is adapt and let go.

Later, I asked myself, "Am I still the same naive girl, my friends knew and loved?"
Have I not become smarter by shades-a change that my job brought about in me?  Yes, I certainly had changed.

The trip taught me quite a few lessons about love and life. An enlightenment that only a Reunion could make plausible.

The Muse

Myth says a writer cannot write without inspiration. Where is the inspiration derived from? Usually, a muse. It could be a song, a scene from a motion picture, an interesting episode from the day or even a fable.

A writer can identify her musings through observation - that goes beyond what meets the eye. Seeing the uncommon makes the write-up worthwhile. 'Tis the unique point of view which makes all the difference.

But what happens when a writer loses the inherent motivation to jot down her thoughts, which came only naturally to her earlier? Is it the lack of inspiration, or a possibility that her observation skills have rusted?

Would such a scenario be considered as the "writer's block"? Not really. A writer's block occurs when you begin a piece and get stuck midway... Not when you cannot even begin your piece at all.

Something similar happened to me. A part of my identity which took pride in claiming itself to be a writer, stopped functioning. It became bad enough that I began looking at alternate career options. I was most certainly rusting my brains.

I tried to get back on track by hunting for muses anywhere in the macrocosmic vicinity. But to no respite.

Perhaps what I had forgotten some where down the line, was the fact that a writer is also emotional much like a poet. You not only need a muse, but a heart to feel the depth of the muse. The revelation happened shortly after I succumbed to failure.

My passion for writing was rekindled by the arrival of my teacher, my caregiver - my mother. Her presence in my life after a long stretch of 8 months, touched that forbidden part in me which once thrived on imagination.

My mother has been the muse for this post. Her presence has made all the difference in my life, which is often taken for granted otherwise.

The Rebound 3.0

Oblivion and indifference awaited her. She thought they might have an adult conversation about ending the arrangement which came with an expiry date.
But much to her dismay, it was worse. It was annoying nonchalance with which he confronted her. Rather responded to her query.
It was obvious it was over. Though not said by him. As though he redefined "chickening out". His version entailed not saying anything to make the girl desperate for an answer. So much so that she makes the decision for you.
Once she does so, u give ur consent and rejoice a victory which she thinks belongs to her.

She moved on. Single n satisfied. It's in the Grey whether he is still a loyal friend to her. But she is prepared for it all.

The Rebound 2.0

A situation like hers is complicated. Cannot be easily comprehended easily; they may pretend to empathise, but no one would be able to understand her pain.

He was happy to be with her. She was happy too, but a little awkward at the same time. Why wouldn't she be? After all, it is not easy for a girl to be as honest as she was to her once friend, now a rebound bf. She tried to cope with the situation as well as she could and so did he.

"Did you tell your friends about it?" she enquired with apprehension.

"Nope, not yet. What about you? Who all have you told?"

"Just my office friends, but they are all against it."

"LOL! Why are they against it?"

"They are against the whole concept of having a rebound boyfriend. They think we both will get hurt in the process. But because they love me so much, they are left with no choice but to accept my decision."

"Hmmm"

She was tense again. She began regretting her stupid decision.

He said, "I really like you. But you are only looking for a rebound. I don't know where are we really headed with this..."

"I know but I could not have hidden the same from you, right? That would be like cheating or taking advantage of a friend."

"That's true. So what do you want to do?"

"I don't want to impose. You must tell me this time. I don't have to always call the shots."

"I need time."

"Take your time."

"I need some time to think this over. I also need some introspection... May be we should talk later. In a couple of days or so. Is that cool?"

"Yup. But if you miss me too much, feel free to break the couple-of-days rule! :P"

No reply since...

It's only been a few hours, but she was contemplating the possibilities of both situations. She knew she would not be happy in either scenarios. If he said a yes, it could be suffocating for her. On the other hand, if he said a "no", she might end up feeling rejected. Wasn't this supposed to be a perfect win-win situation for both of them? Why did it feel wrong, when nothing had been concealed from the very beginning. 

Sure, she didn't want to hurt him, but why did it feel as though she was in fact hurting him in the process. Why was she with him, if she didn't want him in the first place? 

She thought to herself, if she should have just kept it to herself, or asked an acquaintance. Why ask a friend and complicate a healthy friendship? As usual, she started blaming herself for these impulsive decisions.

She then concluded, that she must wait for his verdict. She owed it to him. 

The Rebound 1.0

Fed up. Tired. And even irritated of being in love with the impossible Ex, had become her usual way of life. She was a kind-hearted soul, who often questioned why would God deny her the bliss of love and peace of mind. What is it that makes an Ex so valuable? Isn't he an Ex for a reason?


She found temporary bliss in watching Romedies and telling herself that Heaven will have a plan for her. Why was he so special to her after all? Agreed they had been besties for a better part of a decade, but they had had their differences over the past few months all the same.


She was different. He got her. Only him. He was different too, but her kinda different. She felt baffled and lost in his absence. She felt weak and stupid for having let go. But then again, was it the end of the world? She was certainly not the first girl to have landed a broken heart.


She sought redemption and happiness. Her friends advised her to be strong and embrace her singleton womanhood. But she could not enjoy her existence without his.


Stressing over a situation never makes it better. Then what does? She thought. She began narrowing down her options after him, considering her control freak nature. She was looking for a strategy to cope with a horrible break up.


A Rebound! A crappy blog suggested. She contemplated the idea of getting a replacement only to get over her Ex. Wasn't it complicated enough already? Why should she add fuel to the fire? Or was it an effort to rekindle the dead embers of her life? The idea was as exciting as much as it was risky. What was she to do? Go up to a random guy and present a ridiculous proposal about being her rebound guy?


Yes. May be that was the solution to her issue and the resolution to her misery. May be. May be not. Only time would tell.


She finally decided to approach a guy who liked her from the bottom of his heart. He had asked her out but she considered him a friend and nothing more. How was she really supposed to go about it? Listen to her heart, blurt out the truth? Or keep the pain inside forever?


She braced herself and decided to go ahead. Why should she keep herself from love when she could enjoy some fruitful companionship in another guy? Isn't generation Z about this after all? Customizing love and relationships to suit one's needs?


"Will you be my rebound guy?" she asked. He said, "yes". She was taken aback by the straight forward answer. Didn't he have any queries, doubts or may be a refusal? How could he consent to another girl's whims in a giffy?


She explained the situation to him regardless. Being an honest lass, she blurted out her condition to him. He believed her. He had only one question.


Will you hurt me? I have a heart too.


She was confused. How could she ascertain him emotional security when she was emotionally damaged herself? She tried to explain the same to him. He understood.


Now they are together. Surprised, amazed and not able to be off the phone for a second. Apprehensions and risk linger about them. But what is life if not a bumpy ride?


To be continued...

The Chinos Diaries

Jan 02, 2014

Ironed and pleated, I was happy, until I was in S's gym bag. Why did she have to pull me out and disturb me in my slumber? What wrong have I done to her to deserve this? She slipped into my cozy legs and was struggling to shut my mouth. Man! It was hard for her to come the full circle. I was scared she might break the only button I had. Thankfully her ponch tummy still had some saving grace and spared me from the ache of losing my only button.

It was hard for my mouth to sit around her belly after all the struggle...I just could not stand the stretch. Every pretty girl around S, at her office showered her with complements. All of which were directed towards me. One cute chubby one even compared me to her Zara chinos :) I was on cloud 9.

Finally, after gluttoning down the lunch food, S finally decided to relieve me of my pain. She unbuttoned me. That feeling was beyond words. I still crave it. Through out the day, I could feel that she was uncomfortable herself with the open button hiding under her Pepe top. But she kept firm and acted normal. Poor S.

What startled me later, was her eagerness to join a gym or health club. Looks like, she herself was not very pleased with her flab. She pretended to be quite the Tom Boy at heart, but the truth was, she was pretty conscious about her looks after all. I heard it from her most loyal pair of denims, I call her DJs. Denim Jeans is the only pair of trousers that fit S at the moment. Rightfully, I should pretend to be super jealous of her, but I am actually not! After all I have a heart too.

I am proud of S for joining a superb gym class from tomorrow. I wish her all the luck and happiness in the world. Here's hoping, she would be happy getting into me, some day, and I would share the same feeling. :)

-C 

2013 - The Journey of Lessons

January 01, 2014

That's right! The new year has chronologically commenced. This post came naturally to me because the past year has been one of the most eventful years of my 21 years of existence, and not just in terms of the material happenings around me. A mental chaos shadowed the very beginning of the year.
I can still feel that sense of completeness that comes with getting a job after college and getting into a relationship with the Mr. Right (sorry about the cliched term). That beautiful feeling was beyond words. Obviously, I did not see what was coming.

Like most other people, I had the general suspicion about 2013. I knew that whatever happened, it could always be blamed on the unlucky number 13. But instead, everything that happened, taught me more than any other time frame has.

My job and relationship, both failed the test of time miserably. Time was of essence and my mind, impatient. How was I supposed to define my destiny when my previous decisions proved to be blunders? How was I supposed to pick up the pieces of my life and trust my gut feelings all over again, after facing a disastrous health problem (which was fatal to my relationship)?

What doesn't kill you make you stronger, but it certainly leaves you bitter. Much bitter than you ever thought you could be. By the time I bagged my next job, I had changed, a great deal as a person. The new writing job has taught me a great deal about myself. Again, I would like to give some credit to the year 2013 which brought immense opportunities for self-discovery with itself. I may be confused about the form and style of writing that I wish to pursue, but the one thing I never doubted is the sense of liberation I get from writing.

Now, I am a step ahead of the naive girl that I was known to be. I have finally managed to let go off of my small-town inhibitions, which were keeping me from real life experiences. The transformation continues to cause turmoil in my head some times, and leaves me wondering, if it was really worth it? The change in my personality has posed several questions for me and for every other writer from a land of the illiterate people. The Diaspora continues to affect my approach towards life.

A constant Hope remains though. It is that angelic virtue which lets me believe that all the answers that 2013 posed, shall be answered and be attended to, in 2014.
Here's to the daily revelations that life causes and more importantly, our ability to grasp each one in given time.

And, on that positive note, I also wish to resolve that I will try to come up with a post every day in the year, that shall include that one thing that catches my fancy every day and is worthy of note. Happy New year to one and all. :)